Love Island: The Package Holiday From Hell.

There are few and far things between what Brit’s chat about during the summer months, and that is what I wanted to draw upon when writing this blog. What is it that the people in front of me would want to read about? Would it be Wimbledon? Perhaps the weather – I’ve heard we are due a heatwave? Alas, nothing would be more fitting than everyones favourite Island. Not the one where Guinness is drunk, nor the one that is the home to San Antonio Bay. Of course; Love Island.

An unpromising paradigm of what it is like to find that holiday romance we have always hoped and dreamed off, the itv2 hit show leaves us glued to our sofa’s; be that by our thigh sweat sticking us to our leather suites or the gripping prospect of a re-coupling.

Essentially, there is so much wrong with this holiday. Not only do the islanders not get the unlimited alcohol usually offered on an all inclusive trip, they even have to share bedrooms – either that was in the small print or this unruly bunch genuinely do not give a toss.

As much as we try to hate it, one simply cannot. It is not every day that we are blessed with individuals who share such similarities with threatened species such as Polar Bears. Of course you are like a polar bear Chris, because we f***ing love polar bears.

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On most package holidays, promises of on-site entertainment ran by an animation team are often the case. However, love island producers sourced this through their guests on the island in order to incur no extra costs. Never before have we seen big names such as Marcel from Blazin Squad reach the screens. Coming into the island, Marc made sure everyone was aware that he meant business and was the token entertainer. However, as time passed and his time became elsewhere occupied, emerging artist Kem came through with help from the nations favourite polar bear, Chris. You cannot knock the lads for trying, and the fresh talent makes a change from the usual renditions of Mamma Mia that we usually hear on these package holidays.

Islanders are perhaps in for a surprise that their package holiday does not include airport transfers, is it cruel to sit behind your TV screen and laugh at them lugging those suitcases along the rubble upon being booted of the island?

The great thing about holidays is you really do meet a great mixture of people, and the same certainly applies for the villa. You do wonder though whether certain holidayers actually done the research about where it is they were taking a trip to, we’ve all been there before, ended up somewhere we were a little unsure about, or left the booking to the other half who royally cocked it up. But Camilla hun, come on now? I’m not sure what you were after but something is telling me it wasn’t spitting smoothie into your partners mouth, dancing around a pole for no good reason or quite frankly, making an advancements with the opposite sex. God love her but perhaps contacting travel insurance or asking for a refund will be Cam’s best bet upon leaving the island.

Usually, we wish bon voyage to our holidays and return feeling healthy, sun kissed and happy. I’m not sure what they put in the water in the villa, yet everyone who leaves appears to be imminently using teeth whitener and charcoal face masks? Weird? If anyones going to flog you that s**t it would be a couple of Joe Public’s, because after all, they could sell ice to an eskimo right?

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The worst thing about holidays is coming home. The gutting feeling as the days, then hours, then minutes count down and before you know it you are on that aeroplane home. A recent stat shows that 78% of brits are dreading the end of love island more than coming home from their own holidays* (God forbid these were booked during the fragment of summer that the show is televised). Islanders, we salute you. You have shown us just what it takes to endure that long, hot, summer.

 

*Unofficial statistic that I just made up.

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2016 Sandwich (not inc. in the meal deal)

This is not a drill, and this is not a deal. 2016 is certainly coming to a close people and from  swarms of you I am hearing hurrah’s, a good riddance to what has been an undeniably turbulent year. Turbulent it may have been, but ever the optimist, brilliance is something I can also attach with this oddly bizarre year.

I wanted to perhaps write one of those cliche blogs rounding up the year we’ve all experienced, the highs, the lows, those “what the bloody eff” moments. But then I got hungry, and instead I began thinking about sandwiches. Sandwiches have been a hot topic of 2016 in fact, some news out-lets nationwide even branding 2016 the “Year of The Meal Deal”. (A fictional lie).
Albeit, 2016 can make for quite a peculiar sandwich, based upon both personal and topical substances, here it bloody is.

My 2016 sandwich

THE BREAD;
The foundations of a sandwich. The bread is something that brings all the wonderful and weird together, it holds it all in place, it compliments everything between it and acts as a barrier for anything else stamping on that sandwiches ground. I couldn’t have the bread as anything but a multi-seed loaf from the bakery. Each seed representing one of my lovely friends. Its not often friends have been associated with seeded bread but right here it has happened. Always keeping things in the right place and filling me with such fun and warmth.

THE SPREAD;
To be honest with you, I’ve picked a shit spread. This shit spread is approximately 60p from Lidl. The reason I’ve picked this shit spread is because you know, its not even that shit. The spread has earned its place in the sandwich because this year I have realised what absolute gems Aldi and Lidl are. They genuinely sell butter for about 60p – and that is bloody great. Some people say the best things in life are free, but some of them are 60p.

THE MEAT;
Lets be honest, the moneymaker right here of the sandwich. It’s pastrami. It’s beef but more lunchy, because if you think about a sandwich, it’s a burger but less dinnery. Now i’ve chosen pastrami because of that peppery little kick. It is fun, it keeps you on your toes and you’re definitely left wanting more. The pastrami represents every inch of fun that has gone on through out the year, because there is a lot of pepper popped on pastrami. Be that the countless evenings out, the amazing places visited or simply those fun ones where you cannot stop creasing up with your friends for no good reason – I’m always wanting more of them, and more pastrami.

** DISCLAIMER: Vegan/Vegetarian option also avaliable  – Replace Pastrami with AVOCADO – duhhh. (It’s nice so just do it) **

THE SAUCE;
Just like the spread, the sauce of this 2016 sandwich is also pretty shit. The sauce is mustard, it’s a metaphor for Trump. I don’t like mustard and I don’t like trump. Just like trump, the mustard is ruining this otherwise, perfectly ample sandwich. If we had our way, this mustard could be sacrificed off simply with a knife… however it is seemingly not that easy and we can now only hope that this is only a thin layer of mustard that does not have a greater effect on the remainder of the sandwich.

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THE SALAD; 
Never one to go easy on the salad of a sandwich, it is certainly an important aspect which can certainly make or break the sandwich. Often I find a mixture of around 3 items of salad is quite suffice.
– Spinach. A great edition to any sandwich, spinach brings lots of good for your body and can be sourced throughout Europe. However the spinach in the 2016 sandwich is now wrinkly, it’s soggy, it’s BREXIT. Exiting Europe – ruining good sandwiches.
– Tomatoes. Personally, 2016 has been the year of the tomato. For an unforgivable reason I never liked them prior to this year, this has all changed and I am now internally grateful for the small/big/large red balls.
– Red Onion. It’s strong, it stinks and it gives you indigestion. The red onion is this year’s olympics. Strong performances, contenders and highlights. Apparently the olympic village was a little stinky. With regards to indigestion, this is pretty irrelevant but maybe some of the olympians got indigestion and of course this is something we should not disregard as an important factor of 2016.

THE CHEESE;
Something is needed to calm down all this intensity, and when picking a cheese it could certainly go either way. But today it is buffalo mozzarella, it’s soft, it’s fluffy and it is anything but over powering. Buffalo mozzarella is the reality, its the bringing you back to earth cheese, the remembering where you came from. When things get pretty crazy, going back to basics and simply sitting back to relax is invaluable, buffalo mozzarella is invaluable. Always be kind and always be soft for it is something everyone seeks comfort in.

I guess it would look kinda something like this, but less black and white?

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May 2017 bring you all continual happiness, excitement, fun and GREAT sandwiches. And remember, always eat your crusts.

 

Freaky Freaky FRESH.

Here thee Here thee.

September dawns upon us, unleashing a fresh spawn of students into the world of University. The internet is not short of articles/ listicles/ all that jazz telling us “what to expect when becoming a fresher”, and they are not wrong.
But why ruin the surprise and inform yourself of what bombshells are coming your way exactly. Instead of dampening the surprise, I’m going to save you from some broken hearts, crushed dreams and twisted fantasies.
You’ve heard of the film “What not to expect when you’re expecting”, well here is, “what not to expect when you enter the outlandish life of University.”

  1. Literally do not both expecting to know how to use the kitchen equipment. 
    Ok so you’ve used your oven at home a few times and you have put a wash load on whilst your mum has been on a spa day. Let me tell you this ladies and gentlemen, all these appliances change WHEREVER you go. Perhaps your chicken nuggets do cook at 16o degrees at home, oh no, not in halls, you’re setting yourself up for salmonella. Also, some washing machines do not take detergent in liquid form – mind blown.
  2. Don’t even bother thinking you will look nice on a night out.
    Even if you try, you’ll end up waltzing out the door with drink spilt down your lovely new top brought straight from Missguided’s “Fresher” range. I also wouldn’t bother with those “cute” fancy dress costumes, there is nothing cute once you’re rolling around the dingy club carpets. Instead, opt for the bantical option (Banter & Practical – what a word I’ve just created). This way you are raking in the laughs and not having your boob fall out every time you lean over the bar to order a VK.
  3. If you think you’ll remember ANYTHING that they tell you in induction lectures, you are wrong. 
    I do not advocate that you miss these, you want to get yourself off to a good start in your university career. However, do not loose sleep trying to remember exactly what it was you was told and how much percentage each module is worth. You will be told this all again and the presentation will be online.
  4. Don’t be so brave to think you are better than catching Fresher’s Flu.
    Your mother is leaving you armed with Lemsip for a reason. No matter how many vitamins you take or how many berroca’s you get down you, your health shall deteriorate. Firstly, you are surrounded by A LOT of new germs, big human sized germs. Secondly, alcohol actually isn’t great for you and can knock you for six. You shall conquer this, but the first rule to getting better is accepting that something is not quite right.
    (See below as to just how defeated you may feel)

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  5. Do not expect to feel like your life is on track at any given moment. 
    Essentially I think this is actually a beautiful thing that happens to you at University. Deep down you know you are really doing well here, you will be walking away with a degree and this is wicked. However, on the surface of things, most things will be going tits up but in a special, happy way. Your presentation may have just deleted itself, but fear not there is a drink at the end of the tunnel. You may find yourself eating out of date food, fear not it is actually food. You may not be able to afford to wash your laundry which hasn’t been changed since you arrived, yet fear not, an over draft shall save you. Basically it is all gravy baby so keep your hair on.
  6. If you’re expecting people to not pick up on your accent, again, you are wrong.
    And the abuse is very very real.

Alas, what you remember of this week shall be anything but normal, yet nothing but great.

STAY SAFE KIDS.

 

Making Sense Of; Hvar, Croatia.

The moment you find out that you must get a boat to stay on an island, everything suddenly feels all magical and hidden, undoubtedly, this is exactly what Hvar was all about. Off the coast of Split, Hvar is a quaint island, full of life and beauty.

SMELL;
The morning after a wild night is always going to be a bit ropey, Hvar has the perfect solution. Not only is Hvar home to some of the coolest bars in Europe, but also plentiful lavender fields. This means that to soothe that headache and make you feel all the more relaxed about your sodding hangover, you can have a little sniff on the purple crop. They are flogging this everywhere you walk in Hvar, and it is great.

TASTE; 
Being situated in the Adriatic Sea brings Hvar some of the freshest and flavoursome seafood to ever surpass my lips. Not short of restaurants, Hvar brings you fresh seafood at an even fresher price. The quality you receive for your money is nothing but outstanding. With the majority of fish on offer, restaurants in Hvar are nothing but busy. It is really bloody cool when you are eating your food and you can sit and see exactly where it has come from. Amongst the sun set, there is no better way to enjoy seafood in Hvar.

SEE;
Bar all the beautiful Australian men that seem to swarm to Hvar over the summer, there is a lot of magic to be seen. After learning we had to take a speed boat over to another island in order to party, there was a lot of excitement. Leaving one small island in the midnight darkness to hop onto another to dance and drink also makes you feel like a mad jet-setter. Carpe Diem Island, enclosed by velvet curtains. It is actually pretty hard to put into words what was going on here, but amongst the tree’s and lights there are herds of dancing holiday makers. This place even has a swimming pool to bask in (or dive, bomb, splash dependant on your maturity levels) after you’ve had a few drinks. All round, 10/10. carpe-diem-beach

HEAR; 
After all, Hvar is all about being COOL. Is there much cooler than being in a bar with a topless man parading up and down the tables playing an electric violin? This is groovy, this is funky, this is RAD. He is dropping all the new house tunes, from a violin. It is actually really exciting, and the crowds buzz as all of a sudden Kungs Vs Cookin On Three Burners chimes from the violin. You feel smart but also super cool when you watch and hear a topless guy play an electric violin. If you’re not sure what one sounds like you should YouTube it, heaps of fun. I’m pretty sure it even glowed in the dark.

FEEL;
Once again, when you’re in Europe during the summer one of the best things to feel is going to be the sea, the ocean, the water. This water was so clear I could see every freckle on my leg. At the time that you are in the Hvar sea, it feels like you are on top of the world, you’ve never felt better, and anything that makes you feel like this is worth writing about. FRESH FRESH FEELINGS.

Making Sense Of; Sorrento, Italy.

After the intensity of the Italian capital, Rome, it was more than a pleasure to kick back and relax along the coast of Italy in the town of Sorrento.

SMELL;
Ever famous as being the home of Limoncello, the sweet yet bitter liquor is unavoidable in Sorrento. Perfectly fitting into the vibrant community of Sorrento, the smell of Limoncello is certainly one you will not leave Sorrento without smelling. Visiting a Limoncello farm, we were able to see the source of this sweet nectar and source where the smell begins. Limoncello, great to have a sniff of.

TASTE;
Despite using our time in Sorrento as a partial detox and chance to recharge our batteries, drinking Prosecco here is certainly unavoidable. Now, I am an AVID Prosecco drinker, but this is something else ladies and gentlemen. I am certainly not talking your bog standard on offer bottle from Tesco. Prosecco in Italy is an experience. They get the bubbles bang on, aiding the liquid of God’s to slip down that throat of yours at the perfect rate. The taste is just right, dry but flavoursome. I could write about this all day, likewise I could drink this all day without even thinking twice about the impending Prosecco headache the next day. Long live the real shit.

SEE;
Being a part of the view is actually a wicked way to see the view. Perching on some rocks within the sea in Sorrento I kinda felt like something from a James Bond film. The blue water and sky made it more than easy to just sit on these rocks, and take it all in. There is definitely something about sitting within a perfect view that makes everything around you and within you feel nothing other than happy. To make matters even nicer, the giant seagulls which accompany you at the British seaside were absent. Something quite breathtaking, untouched and natural, great job Sorrento.

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HEAR;
Aligning with my favourite thing to see quite perfectly is my favourite thing to hear in Sorrento. Silence. Having spent the previous weeks in and out of cities, this coastal town was the perfect place to escape. Silence is sometimes a little nerving, or odd, but Sorrento silence is the nuts. It completely ties in with the quaint elegance of the town to leave you feeling all very relaxed.

FEEL;
Being British, going abroad and receiving a downfall of rain is really heavy on the heart. I was really pissed off at Italy when it absolutely hammered it down and actually almost had tears going on in my eyes. Alas, when the clouds cleared and the sun appeared to beat down its warmth on us the following day, this was a great FEEL. WARM SUNNY FEELS.,

Making Sense Of; Rome, Italy.

As the saying goes, when in Rome…

SMELL.
As Noah (Apparently kid) would say, “LETS GO GET SOME PIZZA”. Nothing makes food more appealing than it smelling like something holy. Forget dominos, the smell of pizza in Rome is enough to give anyone a high cholesterol and gain 7 stone. I’m talking doughy, cheesey, garlicy, ALL OF IT. Only aliens could take a whiff of this italian delicacy and not buy a slice. Very well done Rome, great pizza smells.

TASTE.
Italy is top of my list for tastes, there is not one thing that passed my lips that I did not want to sacrifice my life for. Picking just one thing that  I could write about has proved near impossible, a real real tricky piece of business. However, decisions had to be made. Nutella Gelato. That is right baby, NUTELLA. Of course, originating from Italy, I was not surprised when I saw this treat all over the shop. After a friend insisted I must try this gelato whilst in Rome I set to it within an hour or so of arriving. It is beyond me how this Nutella is swirled into the gelato and still stays gloopy and lovely, not even one bit of it freezing, but it has happened people. I’d definitely call this the best thing since sliced bread, in fact this gelato could even be prescribed for medical reasons because I am sure it brings nothing but miracles.

SEE.
Nothing is going to make a girl born in the 90s feel more like Lizzie McGuire than the Trevi Fountain is. Now what a sight this is, beautiful architecture surrounded by thousands of people all visiting it to make a special wish. Really great vibes going on here at Trevi. Trevi Fountain is a must see aspect of Rome, so awesome that we made sure we saw it twice, just incase we missed something the first time. The regal design of the fountain was made even more special by the lovely blue water oozing and splashing down from it. Top class sighting.

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HEAR. 
Sometimes the best thing to hear is nothingness. Nothingness creates a feeling that only leaves your mind to wander and think about important things in life, like would I rather have arms for legs or legs for arms. The historic location of the Pantheon in Rome certainly gave the opportunity for such thoughts to be had. A dome of echoes, the Pantheon is not only wonderful on the eye but has an ambience that you cannot forget. The lack of sound makes the experience pretty magical.

FEEL.
Cities are wicked, but cities in 36 degree heat are a little too much. Therefore, one of the best things I felt this whole time in Rome was bloody air conditioning. What a time to be alive.

 

Making Sense Of; Budapest, Hungary.

Despite being robbed of all my cash, the up and coming city of Budapest is so worthy of a visit

It is bloody cheap.

SMELL.
Hungarian cuisine is certainly not one that would be put in the same league as the likes of Japanese, Mexican and Indian. It is, however, strangely good. Now I am such a fan of food that I had to write about it twice within this one post. The smell of paprika in the traditional hungarian dish, Lecsó, was intense, smokey and rich and left me wanting to lick the bowl clean. This dish consists of vegetables in a stew-like liquid, hungarian sausage can be added to really top things off. If you’re looking for a sweet smelling, light, savoury dish, go get some Lecso in yo mouth!

TASTE.
Having previously visited Budapest, I fell in love with a Korean/Japanese restaurant; Yamato. Before you even begin tucking into the food, you’re using an iPad to choose what you would like to eat, if that isn’t 21t century then I do not know what is. In the middle of your table is a grill, this you then use to cook your own meat just how you like it. I am a sucker for flavour, and Yamato certainly comes up trumps in the flavour department.The whole experience of Yamato is pretty hard to justify with just words, if you are ever heading to Budapest this is one thing you cannot deprive your taste buds of. To top it all off they’ve got sushi going on in this place too, you can select what you want by the individual piece. The price you pay for this food is incomprehensible. When you’re hungry in Hungary, this is the bollocks.

SEE.
Usually roadworks are the biggest of all eye-sores, not this time people. One of the bridges in Budapest was shut off for traffic, meaning all us human’s could stroll along it. The view from this point up and down the river really was awesome, Budapest is certainly not shy of its sights. In fact, even this bridge actually looked nice. Seeing all this in the company of your mates is a great time and because there was no traffic you can even run and roll around on it, great work Bridge.

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HEAR.
I really felt like I spoilt my ears whilst in Budapest, there was a lot for them to listen to when visiting the Ruins club – Instant. Now if I remember correctly, this place consists of around 26 rooms, 16 of these have DJs playing late into the night. I’m talking 16 different types of music going on all at the same time. That is a lot to take in, whether you want to chill to some deep house or have a right old rave, Instant is providing for your ears. It would be rude to visit Budapest and not give this club a chance, an all round sensory experience.

TOUCH.
I was touched a lot in Budapest, by the waves in the wave pool. Budapest is renowned for its famous Spa Bath’s, these relaxing and warm baths are dotted around the city and are both inside and outside. As it was a brilliantly sunny day when we were there, we visited the Gelert Spa Baths, but looking for more than just a wallow in a warm bath, we went in the wave pool. These waves were big people. Chucking the contents of the pool left right and centre, I found myself getting shot under peoples legs, whacked up against the side of the pool and choking to death. I’ve actually explained that like it was the most diabolical thing in the world, but it was real fun. These waves touched good and proper.