Freaky Freaky FRESH.

Here thee Here thee.

September dawns upon us, unleashing a fresh spawn of students into the world of University. The internet is not short of articles/ listicles/ all that jazz telling us “what to expect when becoming a fresher”, and they are not wrong.
But why ruin the surprise and inform yourself of what bombshells are coming your way exactly. Instead of dampening the surprise, I’m going to save you from some broken hearts, crushed dreams and twisted fantasies.
You’ve heard of the film “What not to expect when you’re expecting”, well here is, “what not to expect when you enter the outlandish life of University.”

1. Literally do not both expecting to know how to use the kitchen equipment. 
   Ok so you’ve used your oven at home a few times and you have put a wash load on whilst your mum has been on a spa day. Let me tell you this ladies and gentlemen, all these appliances change WHEREVER you go. Perhaps your chicken nuggets do cook at 16o degrees at home, oh no, not in halls, you’re setting yourself up for salmonella. Also, some washing machines do not take detergent in liquid form – mind blown.
2. Don’t even bother thinking you will look nice on a night out.
   Even if you try, you’ll end up waltzing out the door with drink spilt down your lovely new top brought straight from Missguided’s “Fresher” range. I also wouldn’t bother with those “cute” fancy dress costumes, there is nothing cute once you’re rolling around the dingy club carpets. Instead, opt for the bantical option (Banter & Practical – what a word I’ve just created). This way you are raking in the laughs and not having your boob fall out every time you lean over the bar to order a VK.
3. If you think you’ll remember ANYTHING that they tell you in induction lectures, you are wrong. 
   I do not advocate that you miss these, you want to get yourself off to a good start in your university career. However, do not loose sleep trying to remember exactly what it was you was told and how much percentage each module is worth. You will be told this all again and the presentation will be online.
4. Don’t be so brave to think you are better than catching Fresher’s Flu.
   Your mother is leaving you armed with Lemsip for a reason. No matter how many vitamins you take or how many berroca’s you get down you, your health shall deteriorate. Firstly, you are surrounded by A LOT of new germs, big human sized germs. Secondly, alcohol actually isn’t great for you and can knock you for six. You shall conquer this, but the first rule to getting better is accepting that something is not quite right.
   (See below as to just how defeated you may feel)

   

5. Do not expect to feel like your life is on track at any given moment. 
   Essentially I think this is actually a beautiful thing that happens to you at University. Deep down you know you are really doing well here, you will be walking away with a degree and this is wicked. However, on the surface of things, most things will be going tits up but in a special, happy way. Your presentation may have just deleted itself, but fear not there is a drink at the end of the tunnel. You may find yourself eating out of date food, fear not it is actually food. You may not be able to afford to wash your laundry which hasn’t been changed since you arrived, yet fear not, an over draft shall save you. Basically it is all gravy baby so keep your hair on.
6. If you’re expecting people to not pick up on your accent, again, you are wrong.
   And the abuse is very very real.

Alas, what you remember of this week shall be anything but normal, yet nothing but great.

STAY SAFE KIDS.

 

A-Z guide of the first year at Uni.

Perhaps guide was the wrong word to use in the title, it sounds good for a title but certainly should not be used in any way whatsoever as a model for ones first year experience at university.

Acknowledgements.
Every single one of my weird friends at University, hats off.
Elena Lancaster (Meg) and Joshua Woods (Yoshi) for settling down to write this alphabet with me.

• A – “After dinner ADHD”: The additives that are put in the catered dinner have revealed a whole new medical condition. Symptoms include snorting like a pig and running around lots and lots.
• B – Benylin: Not just great for coughs. “Can I get drunk off benylin?” “YES”
• C – Consequences: There is going to be plenty. That final shot of tequila is a shot of consequence. Be careful ladies and gentlemen.
• D –Dianne: She is great, Dianne is the lovely cleaner of flat 37. We have appreciated all her hard work and great chats throughout the year. We love you Lady Di.
• E – Escalation: No night occurs without it. Everything starts so nice, life really feels like its on track, it isn’t. Countless times I have walked into my kitchen to find my flat mates pissing in the sink, mayonnaise out the window and tomatoes being used for a game of rounders. Or perhaps 5kg of sugar ends up on someones bed? Escalation baby.
• F – Friends: The softness inside me could not let this moment pass without mentioning them. What a bunch of top bananas whom I love with all my heart.
• G – Gin Bin: You’re spicing the night up by drinking something more on the sophisticated side. However you do not have the liver of a 40 year old woman. Gin will certainly put you in the bin fresher.
• H – Help: Constant help required.
• I – Idiots: Plenty of them, good and bad. A real mixed bag of idiots.
• J – John Smiths: The extra smooth ale. Drunk like a sacred water by my loved ones. If you haven’t been fed John Smith’s off a wooden spoon then get to it right away.
  
• K – Kissing: No one bats a blind eye. Almost as natural a process as breathing at uni. No one is shy apparently, and that is ok.
• L – Love? Lust? Like?: Plunging into a pool of new people, it seems everyone really struggles to get their head around these three mysterious concepts. It is super hard to distinguish between the three.  Studies show that 1 in 5 of british people meet the love of their life at Uni, and if that happens to be the guy who brought you an apple sours shot, I guess that is what it is.
• M – Memories: So so many. Treasure them forever. Even the ones when you threw up on a club stairwell – everything is a learning curve.
• N – Noise Complaints: Your neighbours hate you but you love listening to Mama Mia at 3am and blowing plastic trumpets to your hearts content.
• O – Overdraft: Pretend money, wonderful. Sorry mum.
• P – Prosecco: The poor man’s champagne. You’re really winning when you’re sipping on this at pre drinks. And if you can feel like a queen for a mere £6 whilst drinking it out a mug, why wouldn’t you?
• Q – Quit: However much you may want to, do not.
• R – Reason for living: There is just so much fun to be had, living it up living it up.
• S – SHOEY: Because why wouldn’t you want to drink your your beverage through a fluorescent pink sandal found on a club floor? (below ft. Sam Mills)

• T – Tactical Chunder: How else would you make your 9am?
• U – “Ugh”: Said to be muttered by every student on average of 328 times a day during exam season.
• V – VK: Do not drink these anywhere else except University club nights, please.
• W – Washing Up Domestics: The crux of conflict. If you don’t want to hit your flat mates around the head with their greasy pans and smelly crockery, are they really your flat mates?
• X – xoxo gossip girl: The TV series which leaves every female student with only 16 minutes and 22 seconds to complete any university study.
• Y – YouTube: Because within two minutes you will find yourself watching cats backflipping off kitchen work surfaces. No great essay ever came without a treacherous youtube hour.
• Z – Zoo Keeper: Sometimes you may feel more like one of these than human.

 

It’s been a ride.

What I learned from the Instagram Explore page.

Despite being a frequent and avid user of Instagram, it is not all that often that I visit what was previously known as the Explore page. Like every multi-billion dollar app, it had an update and now the page appears not to be called anything, but is supported by a small magnifying glass icon. So here we have it, a page in which we explore avenues of Instagram activity, supposedly from around the world. A chance to see many different photos, with many different filters and many different messages.

Explore page is funny.

Women and Tattoo’s – shit loads of people love this. Women want to be them, men  want to be with them. There are multiple things a woman can plaster on her bare skin, some being skulls and others being butterflies, people dig it. The Explore page exposes the masses to these bare, coloured in bodies.

Justin Bieber – people love Justin Bieber. A world – renowned prat head, Bieber is cropped into perfect square dimensions in order to be exposed on our Instagram feed. Some times he is topless, sometimes he is in a car, sometimes he is frowning and wearing baggy trousers. There are lots of routes to explore Justin on Instagram, have you be a fan, what a time to be alive.

Kittens – an obvious contendor. In terms of kittens there is plenty to explore, the said animal features on many accounts, in many different ways. I have no issue with exploring kittens on Instagram, it’s a far cry more enjoyable than Justin and certainly less revealing than ‘Women and Tattoos’.

LordAleem_Official – this appears to be a man, who is young, yet owns every piece of money in the world. People on instagram want to explore his poncey lifestyle of matte black cars, gold watches and everything annoying and wrong with the world. He creates a great hub for people’s materialistic goals. So if pretencious pictures and videos of cars revving are up your street, follow this so-called Lord.

Lovely Food – a great place to showcase one of the wonders of the world. Lovely food, be it healthy or sugary enough to decay your teeth at a severe rate, it looks wonderful in pictures, particularly with a filter.

    

Quote’s for days – these quote’s are not specifically for a day, they could be if you wanted, but they go on and on for days. People love a quote, it makes them feel like they’re pushing for something they believe in. If you like a quote, that’s nice. What I am sick of seeing however are quotes about boyfriend’s or ‘girls find out everything’ woopey doo. Potential to explore many quotes on instagram, get going.

Maybe the more concerning conclusion to draw from this investigation is that these posts are “based on people you follow”, At this moment in time I appear to be a cake loving belieber who wants to own a Lamborghini and get one tattooed on me, whilst stroking kittens and reciting quotes.

I’m going wrong somewhere.

The week on Twitter

Week commencing 2nd March 2015.

An essential hub of frequent bull shit, Twitter provides some unruly trends for it’s users week on week. I love that trends say so much about humans and the world. Here is a slice of wonderfulness that has laced the social network this week.

#BritishPieWeek – This week began on an incredible high. If Monday blues were active upon on anyone, learning this would surely be enough to beat them away – unless you have a wheat intolerance or just do not appreciate wonderful pies. Pie’s are nice because they are a whole lot of deliciousness packed inside a crispy, yet soft case. Pie’s remind me slightly of suitcases, there is usually a lot of happy stuff inside them. I hope humans around Britain have taken part in pie week, if you haven’t, time remains. Go fouth and conquer – steak and ale, chicken and mushroom, cherry and apple. Pie-licious.

#WeaselPecker – This hashtag is nothing that you think it is, but a whole world better. What sounds like an offending name for the male reproductive organ, is actually a bloody amazing unity of nature. A woodpecker has given a weasel a piggy back, whilst it flys. This enamouring image of friendship warms the heart enormously, long live friendly animals.

#ReplaceAMovieTitleWithCrumpet – A crumpet is a fine piece of wheat, with exceptional abilities to be a wonderful breakfast choice. Whether you choose to platter your crumpet with butter, perhaps marmite, or even Nutella – it is great. Great British Bake Off inspired, this hashtag lets us toggle with our favourite movie titles and make them slightly better. Across twitter there were plentiful efforts. “Kung –Fu Crumpet” sounds good, oriental but also delicious. “P.s I love Crumpet” has a bit of a sinister sound to it, but nevertheless, crumpets.

Draco Malfoy – incredible. This trends because the public feel that Kim Kardashian now looks like Draco Malfoy. In fact, she does. The slick back white hair makes the eldest Kardashian look remarkably like the bratty Harry Potter character. To be or not to be, that is the question. Slytherin.

#MakeAFirstDateWeirdIn4Words – As if first dates weren’t weird enough already, now there is an outlet to expose how weird you really are. Responses span from crude to just fully mental. There is weird then there is, “is your womb habitable?”. One string of four words I would not being sprung upon with on a first date however is “Wanna see my goat?” that is certainly one way to overcome a tad awkwardness.

Tune in next time for some further strange internet clutter.

Zoological Episode.2

Previously on Zoological… 

Cruz and Mukesh hung out with Darren, Darren moaned. Paris painted Lisa’s nails, Lisa was gearing up to go out. Lisa and Paris heard a strange noise coming from the bush. The boys took the short cut home. Darren bumped into Nora, Nora was being naughty.

******* Darren stands up on his rear legs in anger and bleats intensely********

D: You filthy so and so!!! I can’t believe my eyes.

N: Darren, Darren, Babe, please. I can explain.

C: Oh shit geeza, hit him son, hit him.

D: Na Nora, forget it girl.

******* All 4 of Nora’s legs collapse as she falls to the floor crying, the mystery sheep scampers off in the background*******

P: I don’t get it hun, why would you do this? Dazza is a right catch, you’ve let one go there all for some shitty sheep. You could have aimed a bit higher.

L: Look babe, I think that’s a right old tarty thing to do, but while you’re at it you may as well come to Sugar Hut with me and the girls tonight.

N: You just don’t get it.

P: What more is there to it babe, you done the dirt.

N: No ladies, there is more to it than that.

L: Oh ere we go.

N: I’m in love with the coco.

P: Baking soda, you love baking soda?

******* Paris and Lisa stare at each other, the mood is uneasy********

N: I’ve been doing some night work, to get some extra cash. It’s since I went to Ibiza in 2013, it was just a laugh with my crew. Now I just can’t stop it. Working at the nursing home just doesn’t bring home the right sort of money for this, I needed some more. I’ve got into some trouble with a mule.

P: A MULE! What are you doing messing about with them?! Bloody Nora what are you like!!!!

L: So let me get this straight, you’re cheating on Daz, with strangers, for money, to get your hands on some gear, from the mule, the drugs mule.

N: OH THAT’S IT. GO ON. KICK OFF. I KNEW YOU GIRLS WOULD.

P: You’re quackers.

******* Mukesh works his night shift at the abattoir*******

M: It’s always sad to see one of your mates go *he packs meat into a vacuum pack*

******* Footloose comes on the radio, Mukesh jumps up on his hind legs and dances*******

******* Darren and Cruz are working out together, alongside drinking protein shakes*******

C: Come on son, let’s go out. I’ve got to drop off some bits to the mule on the way.

D: I need about 78 jager bombs mate.

C: I’ll get you 78 jager bombs boy, forget that Nora, there’s plenty more goats in the field, for you.

******* Cruz and Mukesh finish bench pressing a log then proceed to leave ********

Zoological Episode. 1

I always wished that animals have their own version of human life, particularly non pet animals, those animals which knock about by themselves. To intrude into the mind of a pack of sheep would be a dream, or perhaps to understand what goes on with those underground legends, badgers.

As humans we often become too consumed in our own kind to even bat an eyelid to what may be going on with all the other creatures around us. My curiosity often lays with why pigeons are so bold and brave these days, are they living their own civil war? Are some of them militants? How about that cow, is he angry because his wife has just run off with his best mate?

For the purposes of the following i’ve become all George Orwell, and curated a sitcom of animals, all of which are mis-matched and it’s likely they would never be in the same environment. But maybe it’s interesting to think how close our non human companions really are to our every day lives.

******** ZOOLOGICAL *********

STARRING: Darren (Goat – Male), Nora (Goat – Female), Cruz (Pigeon – Male), Paris (Duck – Female), Lisa (Ferret – Female), Mukesh (Cow-Male), 

***DARREN, CRUZ, RUDY sit by the lake, surrounded by beer cans.***

M – Cruz mate, I don’t know how you do it. Every time you come back here, you’re with a new bird. *sips beer and shakes head*

C – Fella’s it is just a matter of puffing up this well chizled chest of mine, I don’t skip leg day for a reason you know. The birds love the brutal persona I put on when any human approaches me as well. No one likes a bloke whose going to flee to another park at the sight of a young boy on a scooter.

D – Boys I need some help, I think Nora is cheating on me. Ever since we started selling our milk to that new milkman, and grazing in a different field she’s just been bleating all different.

***Meanwhile, in the woods, Lisa and Paris sit as Paris fills in Lisa’s acrylic nails***

L – Look babe thanks so much for doing this, me and the girls are rooting around the bins out the back of Sugar Hut tonight and you know that sort of crowd, I just wanted to look my best.

P – OH hun that isn’t a problem, i’ve been inundated with your kind at the moment actually. I’m training in spray tan soon so i’ll be expecting lots of appointments for those who are looking to darken up a bit for the summer.

L – You should come tonight darlin to the Sugar Hut, you’d love my girls.

P – I could do with getting a bit of Tequila Rose down my neck actually gorgeous, if I can pop to New Look and find an outfit in time i’ll definitely be there.

L – This girls night out is going to be fab, this ferret is going to get freaking funky.

***A strong bleating sound echoes through the words***

L – Bloody hell what the eff is that noise, I haven’t heard bleating like that since Ibiza with the girls in 2008!

P – Oh Lisa this has been happening far too often, every time i’m at work here I hear it! You’ll never guess who it is, at it right behind those shrubs over there.

L – No, Paris! Hun, who is it?!

P – It’s that little Nora tart isn’t it, her poor hubby Darren is completely oblivious the poor sod.

L – NO! STOP IT! NORA SHEARER?! DARREN SHEARER’S WIFE?! I USED TO KNOCK ABOUT WITH HER IN SCHOOL. OH THE LITTLE SNEAKY TART!

P – Don’t shout about it Lisa, Daz will be devo when he finds out. I think the fella Cruz I’m seeing said he is going to the sugar hut tonight with Daz actually, do you think I should tell him? Oh god, lets message Cruz on Facebook to see if he is going or not.

L – Perfect plan girl, more than champagne corks are going to be popping tonight.

***Back in the field, Cruz, Darren and Rudy sit together, now eating left over ice cream cones***

R – Sorry to hear that mate, come out with the boys tonight to take your mind off it. We could even raid the subway bins after to find some left over Meatball Mariana’s.

D – Cheers Geez, a Meatball Mariana will sort me right out after a couple of JD and Coke’s.

C – You boys just watch how I swarm the ladies with this pigeon passion, i’ll find you a little darlin Daz to keep your mind off that slimy Nora.

D – OI don’t call my Mrs, Slimy, Cruz!

C – Sorry Daz, but she’s having you for a mug. Look it’s best we head home and drown ourselves in Armani aftershave for the night. Shall we take the forest route home? Cuts down the traffic, everyones trying to get out the field at this time of day.

M – Come on boys.

***Cruz, Rudy and Darren head home through the forest***

C – What the eff is that sound?

D – It sounds very familiar to me.

*** A big sheep scuttles away from behind a row of shrubbery, Darren dashes to look in anguish***

D – NORA.

N – DARREN.

——————————————–TBC————————————————-